you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
