i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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