oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
