So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
