just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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