can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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