Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
