I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
