Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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