I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
