im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
