Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
