i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
