you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
