I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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