Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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