I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize