I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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