This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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