Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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