she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
