I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
