foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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