do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
