On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
