I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and she was petting her beer can
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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