good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
