He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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