Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
