The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
