remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
