you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This can only be settled by a dance off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
