Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
