Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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