Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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