right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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