I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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