1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
