he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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