I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
zippers are such a cool invention
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
