life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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