My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
