It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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