last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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