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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
