DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize