The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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