Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
