I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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