Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
