I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
