U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
