Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she told me i tasted like america
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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