I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
