i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
