So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
