I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
