DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Less talking, more tequila
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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